onus on anus

 acoustic herds

that orangey Australian skin, compounded generational sun damage, grey-sky-raised people's pallor exposed to blue-sky blaze

will the adoption of sunscreen eradicate this appealing complexion - like diffused freckling, spread across a whole face -  or is it ingrained now? 

 The Kiss of the Earth

a laborious and puerile barbarity

extraordinary thrust and resilience

a pet savage 

 salmon-sperm cyst

About the end of the fifth year, Grangousier returning from the conquest of the Canarians, went by the way to see his son Gargantua. There was he filled with joy, as such a father might be at the sight of such a child of his: and whilst he kissed and embraced him, he asked many childish questions of him about divers matters, and drank very freely with him and with his governesses, of whom in great earnest he asked, amongst other things, whether they had been careful to keep him clean and sweet. 

To this Gargantua answered, that he had taken such a course for that himself, that in all the country there was not to be found a cleanlier boy than he.

How is that? said Grangousier.

 I have, answered Gargantua, by a long and curious experience, found out a means to wipe my bum, the most lordly, the most excellent, and the most convenient that ever was seen. 

What is that? said Grangousier, how is it?

 I will tell you by-and-by, said Gargantua. Once I did wipe me with a gentle-woman's velvet mask, and found it to be good; for the softness of the silk was very voluptuous and pleasant to my fundament. Another time with one of their hoods, and in like manner that was comfortable. At another time with a lady's neckerchief, and after that I wiped me with some ear-pieces of hers made of crimson satin, but there was such a number of golden spangles in them (turdy round things, a pox take them) that they fetched away all the skin of my tail with a vengeance. Now I wish St. Antony's fire burn the bum-gut of the goldsmith that made them, and of her that wore them! This hurt I cured by wiping myself with a page's cap, garnished with a feather after the Switzers' fashion.

Afterwards, in dunging behind a bush, I found a March-cat, and with it I wiped my breech, but her claws were so sharp that they scratched and exulcerated all my perinee. Of this I recovered the next morning thereafter, by wiping myself with my mother's gloves, of a most excellent perfume and scent of the Arabian Benin. 

After that I wiped me with sage, with fennel, with anet, with marjoram, with roses, with gourd-leaves, with beets, with colewort, with leaves of the vine-tree, with mallows, wool-blade, which is a tail-scarlet, with lettuce, and with spinach leaves. All this did very great good to my leg. Then with mercury, with parsley, with nettles, with comfrey, but that gave me the bloody flux of Lombardy, which I healed by wiping me with my braguette.

 Then I wiped my tail in the sheets, in the coverlet, in the curtains, with a cushion, with arras hangings, with a green carpet, with a table-cloth, with a napkin, with a handkerchief, with a combing-cloth; in all which I found more pleasure than do the mangy dogs when you rub them. 

Yea, but, said Grangousier, which torchecul did you find to be the best? 

I was coming to it, said Gargantua, and by-and-by shall you hear the tu autem, and know the whole mystery and knot of the matter. I wiped myself with hay, with straw, with thatch-rushes, with flax, with wool, with paper, but,

Who his foul tail with paper wipes,
  Shall at his ballocks leave some chips.

What, said Grangousier, my little rogue, hast thou been at the pot, that thou dost rhyme already? 

Yes, yes, my lord the king, answered Gargantua, I can rhyme gallantly, and rhyme till I become hoarse with rheum. Hark, what our privy says to the skiters:

Shittard,
Squirtard,
Crackard,
   Turdous,
Thy bung
Hath flung
Some dung
   On us:
Filthard,
Cackard,
Stinkard,
   St. Antony's fire seize on thy toane (bone?),
If thy
Dirty
Dounby
   Thou do not wipe, ere thou be gone.

Will you have any more of it? Yes, yes, answered Grangousier. Then, said Gargantua,

A Roundelay.

In shitting yes'day I did know
The sess I to my arse did owe:
The smell was such came from that slunk,
That I was with it all bestunk:
O had but then some brave Signor
Brought her to me I waited for,
   In shitting!

I would have cleft her watergap,
And join'd it close to my flipflap,
Whilst she had with her fingers guarded
My foul nockandrow, all bemerded
   In shitting.

Now say that I can do nothing! By the Merdi, they are not of my making, but I heard them of this good old grandam, that you see here, and ever since have retained them in the budget of my memory.

Let us return to our purpose, said Grangousier. 

What, said Gargantua, to skite? 

No, said Grangousier, but to wipe our tail. 

But, said Gargantua, will not you be content to pay a puncheon of Breton wine, if I do not blank and gravel you in this matter, and put you to a non-plus?

 Yes, truly, said Grangousier.

There is no need of wiping one's tail, said Gargantua, but when it is foul; foul it cannot be, unless one have been a-skiting; skite then we must before we wipe our tails. 

O my pretty little waggish boy, said Grangousier, what an excellent wit thou hast? I will make thee very shortly proceed doctor in the jovial quirks of gay learning, and that, by God, for thou hast more wit than age. Now, I prithee, go on in this torcheculative, or wipe-bummatory discourse, and by my beard I swear, for one puncheon, thou shalt have threescore pipes, I mean of the good Breton wine, not that which grows in Britain, but in the good country of Verron. 

After that' said Gargantua, 'I wiped myself with a kerchief, with a pillow, with a slipper, with a game-bag, with a basket -- but what an unpleasant arse-wiper that was! -- then with a hat. And note that some hats are smooth, some shaggy, some velvety, some of taffeta, and some of satin. The best of all are the shaggy ones, for they make a very good abstersion of the fecal matter. Then I wiped myself with a hen, a cock, and a chicken, with a calf's skin, a hare, a pigeon, and a cormorant, with a lawyer's bag, with a penitent's hood, with a coif, with an otter. 

But to conclude, I say and maintain that there is no arse-wiper like a well-downed goose, if you hold her neck between your legs. You must take my word for it, you really must. You get a miraculous sensation in your arse-hole, both from the softness of the down and from the temperate heat of the goose herself; and this is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the intestines, from which it reaches the heart and the brain. 

Do not imagine that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian Fields arises from their asphodel, their ambrosia, or their nectar, as those ancients say. It comes, in my opinion, from their wiping their arses with the neck of a goose, and that is the opinion of Master Duns Scotus too

 wank on-ramp

 Cap

Peak
Early doors
Side ting
Dont get shook
The click and the ick

Getting the ick
Minge twinge
Reem
Sitch
Brazy
Swear!
Set menu
Cwtch
Earwigging
Facts
Do one
Rogue
Bitter chuckle
Lipsing
Jeal

Slight amount of like

My head’s at you


Single pringle

what an ode of bollocks!

 

Bevs

Gentlemen area
Bevnish
Bevved up
Romantic position
Mega awks
Standy-offish
Pranging
Awks
Girl code
Bevil
Not my typical type
Sauce
Factor 50
Potench
Legit
Shift the face off
Shit kisser
Arsehole Wednesday
Shit balls
Sideways fucked
Absolute rocket
Done bits
Bits and bobs
Refreshifies my memory
Schoolboy errors
Savage
The epitome of muggy
Too blessed to be stressed
Open for biz
Frick
Everything happens for a reason
Fresh pair of Grafting boots
Can’t be arsed with the ag
It was what it was
Dead ting
Better be better than bitter
Tret
Rah rah rah
One of you lots mans
Can i be at the bottom of the heart
I hope you all fart and shite your pants
His lipstick’s out
I can see his arsehole
First time i’ve shaved an arse
Gone to rat shit
Tick with me
The top and the bottom of it
The L bomb
The Big L
Earwigging
Hop on that
Worldy
Facts
Too blessed to be stressed
Mad moves
Awks
Trobbing
Savage
Swear down
Just being my general self
Savage self
Pranging
Wet mop
Slut drop

Winner,winner, chicken dinner

Funny can laugh you into bed

Deeping things
Peak
Fanny-tastic
Funness
Burning my head
What a shower of pricks
Numpty
You parcel
Westing me out
Always a laughable man
Tick with you
Chiselled by god
Bob on
Radgie

 waders and daisy dukes - erotic intermittance, where the garment gapes

(Barthes via Schrader's Cat People)

 

Omelette with human eyes

Mustard custard

Northern portions

Deformed loaf

Bread hernia

 buttery jazz

 green, mindless, unkillable ghosts

 overnight oats inner thigh

a juke box hero

elegant junk

the fair Miss Frigidaire

this morning you look like a tree full of owls

it's a dilly

little toddy for the body

you put away a gang of wine last night

weird and wonderful things with various healing waters

until you run out of grandmothers

boy she was yar

the brightwork

the fat old rumpot

the easy virtue

just collecting expressions

veinous lake

vermillion border

gruddy

 the Picador spinner

   "that enchanted loom where millions of flashing shuttles weave a dissolving pattern"

- Charles S. Sherrington, on the human brain, 1942

 Blipton Factor Wreckords

 word-shaped air

 parsnip leather

 The English People's Liberation Army

 egghole

 blanket bog

 puzzock

figgins

half-startled partridge cry

my arse was a second lung

accretion disc

anal dynamite

scatology and eschatology

 don't underthink it

" treating your groins like junk"

 Bacon from Mars

 Smeggers Plays Pop

 vomcom

 "talking mango"

 "prog dreams"

"bonus-family"

via

 old lady porridge

 quail egg up each nostril

 oldfangled

 "twirling towards freedom"

 "sexual weakling"

 a beautiful woman with no dress sense

 bad-breath beauty

 gruddy

at the garden of your bottom

 watercutter

 clerihew

 paralysed by soup leftovers

 national elf

 cease to smell

"for the beer curious"

 “The railroad avenues displayed great mounds and ridges of a black, unsightly substance to which science has not yet applied a name"

 “never-ending odor event”

"the wanking chariot"

 stellar collapse 

the physics of the avalanche

 Gin and Cthonic

by Duke Daring

 bouncy milk

"A freak in the street but a lady in the bed"

An inversion of the conventional maxim, for sure

But you can be sure that someone, somewhere, actually has this preference

 the grated snail on top of the turd cake

Grafting

Crack on

Got all the buttons

Mugged off

Melt

Sesh

Pied him off

Aggy

Fucking muggy

Snaky

Nip it

Fuckboy whisperer

Cleans me out

Snaked into that situation

Get yourself at it

Drams

Stick it on me

Digging me out

Be an extra about it

Back myself

Deffos

Snake me

Pied the situation

Fuck girl

A bit of me

Bangin

On paper

Sitch

Gnashers

Bantering me

Sack it off

Worldie

Mucky

Gassing

Binning you

If i write down what’s me, that’s me

Bang on me

Bovved

Toby

Square-head

A bit jel

Dicksand

A ledge

Minger

Scramble

100%

Got a bit about him

The hump

Got a package

Gorg

Genuine. Bible.

Bin me off

Mugging yourself off

More muggy

Digging me out

Wind her neck in

Billy Big Bollocks

Muggy Mike

Neck on

Standard feel of the arse

100 mingers

An aggy

Picky fucker

The ick

Put it on him

Bov

Stick it on her

Bro code

The Mingles

Devo-d (devastated)

Dust - dusting

Britneys

Baldinos

The rock going on

Sack it off

Live-o

Get out of your swede

Wake up with a rock on

Morning glory

Noshed off

Chassis

Rig

Bangin

We’ll have to see how it goes with the nipple

Do bits

Slither down

Hench

Cashed

Jagerbombs

Side dick

Bubs

Devo

Offski

Bible, drop dead

Squashed

Rig

You’re a ledge

Cashed

Standard

Mush

Johnny is banter

Bore off

Sack this off

Battered me off

Sack it

Banterful

Smeggy hand

Daft little cuddle

Cheddy

Wind your neck in

Ovary twinge

Fucked in my foot

Flow-erpotmen

We just add it

Bits and bobs in the bedroom

Ways of the whip

The ratio is bang on

Not opposed to a tit wank

Macaron pudenda

Pillow talk off the scale 

Ticks all the boxes

Foreskin fatigue 

a penchant for long schlong

 pearly in the morning

Ramen splash in the eye

Ramen splash right up inside the nostril